It's December 29th, and I'm taking a little time out of the mad holiday rush to sit down, relax, and write out some Christmas cards. I know what you're thinking: Zuska, isn't this just a tad early to start working on the 2012 mailing list? You are correct. However, it's a dandy time for cranking out the 2011 cards. Hopes are high that they will actually reach a mailbox, maybe even in 2011. For lo these several years I've not managed to send out anything more than a card to Z-mom, but I feel a Christmas miracle coming on. Surely a month of incessant Christmas carols everywhere I go will have inspired me.
Last year while digging around in a cupboard I came across a box of Christmas cards with envelopes already addressed and stamped. A few signatures and a personal note or two were all that was lacking. I thought briefly about converting these abandoned cards to a 2010 mailing. But the amount of extra postage each envelope needed would tell the whole embarrassing story. Fortunately my township recycles paper.
I was inspired to mull over my ongoing Christmas card mailing list failures-to-launch while listening to All Things Considered; Iowan Man and Potential Mitt Romney Supporter plaintively inquired the following:
"Yeah, I was wondering what you're planning on doing to get 'In God We Trust' back into this country again because our kids can't even celebrate Christmas in this country for fear of offending someone else," said the potential supporter. "Y'know, when we came here, we were founded on 'In God We Trust' and I'd like to see that back in this country again." [emphasis mine]
Could that be it? Iowan Man may be on to something here. I thought I was lazy and perhaps somewhat concerned about all the paper wastage. But I am fairly sure now that this is the problem: I can't celebrate Christmas by sending out cards for fear of offending someone else. It just has to be that.
In solidarity with Iowan Man, I offer below The Lament of the White Christian During Xmas Election Season.
We can't even celebrate Christmas in this country for fear of offending someone else. Sure, you can buy Hanukkah cards - some of your best friends are Jewish! - but it's just a pity card because you can't send them a real Christmas card. They probably know it and wish their second-class holiday was the real one, and that makes you feel soooo awkward. Just because your holiday is Number 1 is no reason for other people to make you feel bad.
Then you have your atheist friends (hah! as if). You can't even say Merry Christmas because they will call out the ACLU and sue you, even if you X-out Jesus and say Merry Xmas. What are you left with? Season's Greetings and Happy Holidays and Sparkle Season and other euphemisms that are just pushing "In God We Trust" right out of this country and making our kids afraid.
The worst of all is the Muslims, of which I don't personally know any, but they just get enraged when they hear anything about Christmas. They are going to take over this country and mark my words, we are going to have to celebrate Christmas in secret, because they will kill us if they find out. They have already gotten a Muslim elected president and pretty soon no Christian will be safe anywhere.
We need to get "In God We Trust" back in this country so that when the end times come, we'll be Raptured. So, what I want to know, Mr./Ms. Presidential Candidate, can you promise me that if I vote for you, your first priority will be to install the authoritarian white christian theocracy I'm pining for? Merry Christmas, In God We Trust.